This is something that I often see in spiritual groups.
We begin to awaken and notice the ego, but then our ego takes over the path of 'awakening'.
Lovingly calling this pattern: the healing trap.
We can end up fixated on a future vision where we are 'healed' and feeling overwhelmed or ashamed of our 'imperfections.
We feel shame that we aren't 'there yet' - 'not perfect' - focusing on our 'flaws' and how much 'work there is left to do'.
If you approach healing this way, you will never get there!
You've let that spiritual ego slip in through the back door...
It's the ego that judges our progress and pushes us to constantly 'improve' to be 'good enough'.
Even if you never did another moment of active self development work in your lifetime, you are already good enough!
Our self development work is truly only something we do to relieve ourselves of suffering - when it's coming from the soul it's a choice, not an obligation.
You will sometimes feel pulled by your soul to take inspired action, even if that is uncomfortable, but the soul knows you also deserve to relax and experience happiness now - isn't that why you chose to heal?
Healing never requires shaming or forcing - healing only asks of deepening our compassion for every aspect of ourselves, including the shadow. In fact the deeper we go into the process, the more we realise 'healing' is a concept, an illusion. We can tell ourselves that we 'need healing' or we can remind ourselves that we are whole right now, even if we are experiencing pain or discomfort,
To 'heal' really means to wake up to the illusion of time and live fully immersed in the now.
All that exists is the present moment. The image we have of being 'less healed' in the past, 'a bit more healed now' and 'hopefully better in future' are just memory/ imagination which you experience in the present.
All that we ever have to do, all that we ~can~ do is choose actions that support us in experiencing peace in this moment.
We choose love, or if we catch ourselves not choosing love, we simply forgive ourselves and choose love again.
Let go of the self judgement, put down the pile of books you have been forcing yourself to read to try to find 'the ultimate answer', get out of your mind and drop into your heart.
What would choosing love /peace look like right now?
Make one simple step, guided by your intuition.
If you find healing stressful, you might be being asked to let go of your old identity. The idea that healing can be simple, fun or even blissful can threaten us if we believe other people had it easier, or we had to work hard to get things in life. You may have been transferring distorted masculine capitalism programming into your process!
You may have really painful memories to work through (this is so valid - part of the medicine is in feeling uncomfortable feelings), and moments where it takes deep courage to choose from the soul, but you can give yourself the gifts of unconditional self love + making space for relaxation and play too.
If you feel ashamed of where you are at, you are always perfect in the eyes of creation. You won't be any more worthy when you let go of certain patterns and you aren't less worthy now.
You are whole.
Remember this now.
Relax into your perfection.
Take a deep breath...
Everything is okay.