Before you act, ask yourself is this decision made from a state of love or fear?'

We make decisions large and small every moment of the day. These decisions can come from two places: love, or its opposite polarity, fear.


State of love:

  • Going towards what we do want: acceptance, peace, bliss

  • Decision feels simple and clear. Calm intuitive knowing

  • Feels expansive and free even if the choice contains an element of sadness e.g. a break up

  • "I am so excited to..." "I choose to" "It's in my best interest to"

  • Requires no external validation. I know I'm doing the right thing for me


State of fear:

  • Avoiding what we don't want: resistance, escapism, projection

  • Decision feels complex, unsure, go back & forth between options, racing mind, panic

  • Feels constricting, controlling, just trying to hold things together

  • "What if..."/ "I need to" /"I should"

  • Seeks validation and feedback from the environment. Something needs to happen next in order for me to feel this was the correct course of action. (E.g. I need to become rich, she needs to commit to me).

Love guides us towards what we do want and is simple. We identify a goal and move towards what supports that and away from what inhibits that. For example “I want an emotionally available boyfriend.” So we would notice signs that a man is emotionally available and politely decline further dating opportunities with those with unavailable red flags. There is no fuss or drama involved. If it’s not this man, we trust that another is on the way and gently release him. We might think “it’s going to be so wonderful to be a relationship with a man who can really see me”.

On a deeper level we recognise what we are wanting is to feel seen and we see we can give that to ourselves now by nurturing ourselves and surrounding ourselves with emotionally available friends so that it becomes normal and natural to receive the emotional available partner when he arrives. We are trusting and living in abundance.


Fear, on the other hand, tends to take over when we focus on what we don’t want: feelings we want to avoid feeling, circumstances we want to avoid repeating. When you focus on the idea “I don’t want an emotionally unavailable man”, you are more likely to call one in because you are focusing on the fear, the anger and sadness of the experience when you Did have an emotionally unavailable boyfriend. You’re more likely to go into the situation fearing the worst and try to manipulate, control, people please or self sabotage the desired outcome.


Take another example: “I want to feel loved” vs. “I don’t want to be hurt”. If you want to feel loved, (the thought of feeling loved feels really good because love is your natural state to experience!), you know you can feel love now and you can connect in love with others and their loving energy will return to you naturally (“no big deal if one particular person isn’t able to join me in love, there’s lots of loving people out there for me!”) If you perceive through the lens of fear, of 'I don’t want to be hurt', you might have your guard up, be suspicious and emotionally unavailable (not a match to that lovely person looking for an emotionally available partner now…), you might dismiss positive opportunities and connections, and be unable to truly see the people who are least likely to hurt you because all you see in your distorted reality is people who hurt you and people who might.


When you are living in a fear based mindset you are unable to see things as they really are because you are too busy projecting the past onto the present. Allow yourself instead to see this moment as a blank slate where you can create what you DO desire!


©2020 by Bobby-Jo Dearnley.