Healing anxious attachment - checklist

  • Learn to self soothe

  • Reassure yourself that small signs of your partner pulling away aren't usually evidence of the worst case scenario. Calmly express your fears instead of blaming, controlling or demanding

  • Stop abandoning yourself - put your own needs first rather than burning out to earn others' approval

  • Practice noticing that others' behaviour isn't personal. (Others project their own judgements. Rejection is a neutral misaligment of energies.)

  • Take romantic partners off their pedestal

  • Stop equating the adrenaline of push pull with love

  • Date emotionally available partners

  • Be honest about your feelings/needs from the start- this will make the wrong people leave and the right one stay

Self soothing is a gift that anxious individuals can learn from dismissive avoidants. They are more often able to hold space within themselves to move through emotions without releasing the energy outwards by requesting or demanding from another person. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for support, and if you are an anxious partner you have likely noticed that for some reason or another, your beloved isn't always able to meet a request. So we can practice self care and speak self compassionate words within ourselves to calm ourselves so that we don't feel we are drowning emotionally if nobody is there.

Anxious styles are hypervigilant of small signs. There is no need to ignore that these feelings come up - if self soothing doesn't seem effective, having a conversation can gain clarity and reassurance e.g. "when you did X, I found the fear coming up that you might not love me". You can own these feelings without pressuring the other person to do something - then they are likely to respond lovingly

Anxious partners are often very skilled at meeting others' needs and knowing how to make another person feel really cared for. You can turn that love inward to yourself. When you are full with your own self love, others' love is a beautiful icing on the cake but it isn't a desperate need to be loved. You can notice how much kindness you have been offering and that you are a good person, deserving of receiving that love, which you will now supply to yourself unconditionally.

You can separate your sense of self from others. Sometimes people are too caught in their own pain to be reasonable or kind. That says nothing about you. If someone rejects you it simply means you are on a different wavelength - neither of you are better or worse but simply have differing preferences.

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