Oversharing vs. healthy sharing



Oversharing:

  • Sharing from an energy of lack, a longing to feel loved and seeking a certain reaction from the other person without awareness and self responsibility - making it about meeting our needs without acknowledging the impact of our sharing (is the other person able to hold space? Are they comfortable talking about this topic?)

  • Can cross the other person's boundaries without knowing it or spoken boundaries are violated

  • Can leave the other person feeling overwhelmed (often the oversharer isn't noticing signals that the other person is uncomfortable)

  • Can lead to vulnerability hangovers - where one or both persons freak out about how vulnerable they became and feel an urge to run/ close off

  • A sign of anxious /fearful avoidant attachment (fearful avoidant is more likely to share then get a vulnerability hangover and distance themselves)


Healthy sharing:

  • Wouldn't take it personally if the other person doesn't resonate with what you share

  • Asks for permission rather than emotional dumping

  • If we do feel a lack, a longing to feel loved, we acknowledge we are working through this (it's totally okay to share from a place of vulnerability and once someone has given us permission it can be healing to be witnessed without judgement)

  • Invites and respects others' boundaries

  • Sharing helps you both bond and feel close and safe


When we overshare it comes from unmet needs ~ often the oversharer feels lonely, wants to be understood or validated.


Your core desires are so valid - it's just about finding the right spaces and resources that can support you.


Oversharing can also be about sharing that was totally okay for the other person to receive but we were sharing too much for ourselves in one go. We can experience a vulnerability hangover where we suddenly feel exposed, regret opening up and want to hide in our shell for a while.



How to embody healthy sharing:


♡ Be mindful of the pace you open up to a new person. Every relationship is different but fast and intense dynamics often burn out or you have to abruptly slow down at a later date when one of you becomes overwhelmed. You are responsible for managing your emotions post sharing if there is a fallout so discernment helps.

♡ Create a support system including loved ones/ professional support

♡ Ask for permission before sharing sensitive topics, or if you would like someone to hold space to listen. Sometimes oversharing can also lean into interrupting/ not giving the other person time to talk ~ you could ask for a container of 15 minutes to vent and the other person knows they will have a turn to fully speak afterwards.

♡ Communicate your needs ~ sometimes when another person shares we can feel overwhelmed, sifting through a lot of information, not knowing what they are asking of us. (Masculine brains in particular can find this frustrating). Do we want to receive encouragement, motivation, advice or just to be listened to and receive empathy? ('That sounds like it was really tough, that's so understandable')

©2020 by Bobby-Jo Dearnley.