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The story of how my ego dissolved

These words are an account of how I arrived at my present circumstances. Memories, whilst not the focus of my attention, sometimes contain useful anecdotes that can help others to awaken to their true nature. I hope that through reading these words, some spark within you is ignited - a remembering of your own soul nature and the beauty within your own heart.

I was 28 years old and recovering from serious illness. Six months ago I had began preparations for my funeral. Many times my brain felt like it was on fire, I was unable to breathe and I had heart-attack-like pain in my chest. Doctors had no answers. My symptoms were so severe that for several months there were many days where I thought it may be my last day on Earth. I had said goodbye to my loved ones, just in case.

My health was, by this point, improving. The miracle of healing came through deepening the connection to my body to a level that I didn't know was humanly possible. Many times when I was in excruciating pain and thought I may be at the point of death I called out inwardly to a higher power to help me and guide me to what would help me heal. I was also aware of muscle testing: a modality which allowed the body to communicate with you directly and give you yes/no answers. I would muscle test every decision I made throughout the day, from which foods were safe (I was reacting to nearly everything) to which supplements were beneficial. Every decision I made required such attention to detail - a small error in judgment could land me in the hospital.

I was then blessed to find a Root Cause practitioner with more knowledge than I had at the time who was able to help me identify the causes of my disease and put me on a custom plan (diet, supplements, detox support etc) that was tailored specifically for my body.

Each day as part of my routine to support my physical healing I would meditate and I was also practicing sending myself energy healing. One afternoon in January 2022 I was in the bath when I felt an inner voice that was not my usual inner monologue tell me 'Go to your bed, lie down and don't move until you feel the signal'. I knew that whatever was going to happen next was extremely important.

I lay down on the bed and was instructed to perform an energy healing on myself. Waves of energy began shooting through my body. Before, when I had been energy healing myself, the energy mostly concentrated on one body part or area at a time. This time it was as if my entire body was unifying. I was used to feeling a gentle heat through my fingers when I was doing an energy healing but what I felt then was much more powerful - like fire or strong electricity was passing through them. This energy passed through my body, and was felt as intense tingling or heat. It was sometimes pleasant and blissful and sometimes the intensity was overwhelming. I had to surrender with every part of my Being to keep still. There were several 'surges' that passed through my body foot to head - each followed by a pause as my body integrated the new energy. Many strange sensations occurred during the experience: At one point it felt like a knife was in my chest, knawing inside of me. Then I heard the voice again, the one that was not my own usual voice:

"Are you really ready for this?"

'Yes' I inwardly declared, surrendering to what was about to come. An extremely fierce surge of energy released through my body. It was as if a bolt of lightning was moving through me. Once again, holding still required my total concentration. At some point the energy calmed to a steady buzz and I knew intuitively the healing was finished. From this moment on, my energy healing ability became much more powerful for myself and towards others.

As I stood up my body felt so much more alive. There was also a sensation of deep comfort as if I was being cradled by Life itself. The energy inside of me was so large I was amazed. Everything felt so peaceful and vibrant and whole. I walked to the store to buy food. I felt like I was shining from within and everyone smiled at me when they saw me - even the people who looked miserable before they looked at me.

That day I felt inexplicably drawn to watch videos of the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, which I hadn't done for a very long time. The next day, I found out he had just died. I went to visit a couple of friends and found that both of them had also felt the same pull to suddenly watch videos of him, which also hadn't been a regular habit for them. This was all before any of us found out about his death.

His body was available to view online on YouTube. I watched through livestream as other monks came and went around him. The body carried the still radiance of a being who had truly been enlightened. It glowed differently. Watching the livestream with a couple of friends I cried a few gentle tears - they were not tears of grief but of awe of the beauty and grace of his life. Nothing about his death felt sad. There was an inner sense he had the perfect death. Everything was complete. He did what he came here to do: He became enlightened.

From the point I had that intense energy healing onwards, my body was bathed from within with these glorious waves of energy. It was like I had unlocked a secret door within and now a kind of 'inner light' was flowing through me. I became very sensitive to the energy around me - being able to sense the energy field of everything from humans to plants and animals to places. The brightness of the energy all around was dazzling.

Reality, for me now, had become energetic. There were many things that I intuitively realised that were beyond words or difficult to describe. Everything in existence was revealed as so incredibly sacred. I had many instances where I experienced such joy that I burst into laughter. Things that I used to feel sad about (and I had many difficult circumstances around this time) were transformed into a kind of cosmic humour.

One day I was out in a storm. I had a profound sensation that everything felt completely safe. There was a sense that nothing could ever hurt me - nothing could ever touch what I am. The safety felt both ever-present and situational. There was also an inner knowing that I was connected to an inner guidance system that was so powerful that on a physical level too, I was protected from harm.

That day my foot got accidentally run over and I was so present that I was able to bend my leg a certain way to prevent any damage to the foot - it was an intuitive, split second reaction. I was wearing boots but I came out of the situation with no bruising, just some slightly pulled muscles in my leg. I didn't need to go to the hospital, I was able to walk around normally for the rest of the day and within a few days the leg completely healed.

In April of 2022 I was in the car with my mother on the way to Brighton in England. We were passing through the outskirts of Hove when a momentous wave of energy washed over me. By now I was used to these waves but this one was inexplicably more powerful than anything I had felt before. The mind went absolutely silent. It was as if someone had paused time - as if all the particles in the air had frozen or were moving in incredibly slow motion. Everything around me felt luminous, as if it were filled with a great source of power I had only been partially aware of before… yet this vibrance came from within as well as being recognised as being eternally present in the environment. As I watched the houses glide by I felt engulfed by an immensely solid yet graceful sense of serenity. This state was in some ways an extension of what I had already been feeling the past few months but I knew intuitively something was different. I had been reading Dr. David Hawkins' work on The Scale of Consciousness and had been calibrating my own embodied Level of Consciousness and watching it increase over the last few months. In that moment I felt an intuition to muscle test the Level of Consciousness I was experiencing, although I knew deep inside what the answer would be already. It calibrated at 1000 - complete Enlightenment.

I got out of the car and walked on the beach alone. Perhaps there was something about my energy that day: I had taken no more than about 20 steps when a couple of strangers approached me and invited me to join them. I agreed and I found myself able to switch to a mode of ‘normal human interaction’ - we had an in depth conversation about spiritual topics but I didn’t bring up to them what had just happened.

Over the next several months, these altered states continued spontaneously. Sometimes they came in a more intense form where my entire being was awash with divine grace. Everything was sublime, delightful and fascinating. Sometimes the state of peace was more subtle, like a grounded foundation. Whatever was happening during my daily activities, a steady inner peace was present as a 'backdrop'. I felt into my body - places that used to feel dense or heavy felt light. Anxieties that I used to have were just not there. They had been replaced by an inner stillness that permeated everything that I did.

During this time the body moved as if by itself - I noticed a loss of free will, although this wasn't missed. There was a deep Knowingness of the true Self as Divine - that my body was moving in line with its divine template, expressing enlightened awareness through its actions. There was no need to have a 'thinker' or a 'decision maker' to steer the wheel - my body moved as a force of the dharma itself.

The nature of reality was revealed to me as so immense and divine love unfolded to me as an energy field of such great power. This energy field, I became aware, was now also emanating from my body and transforming the environments around it with a healing energy field.

The knowing of the true self as an eternal soul was undeniably evident - the idea that death could be the end was laughable. I felt connected to such vastness - I knew the experiences my Consciousness has had vastly outspanned a single lifetime. Observing the world was very strange - all motivations except love had dissolved and so appeared bizarre and nonsensical.

These states of enchantment were also at first interjected by waves of intense fear which were felt as physical sensations in the body. Yet this fear was not central to my experience - it was something that was happening in the background, whilst the consciousness inside grew stronger and stronger. Sometimes the fear sensations asked for a loving response such as more physical rest or another action to care for the body, and sometimes it was like a noise in the environment that didn’t require my attention. Inside my body felt supercharged with a kind of 'electricity' - it was as if my body itself was made of pure aliveness. Within the fear sensations there were no judgements or worries - they were just a feeling. I knew that it was like a car coming to a halt; the moment the breaks are hit is not the moment the car stops. The car will slow down first and then come to a halt. These sensations were old echoes from a survival response to illness, and as I was enveloped in the divine love that was pouring through me, I knew they would take care of themselves.

One day that summer I was sitting in the woods not far from my home. I was going there often to meditate. The act of meditation was now something that came naturally: there was no sense of 'trying' to meditate any more. My eyes would sometimes close of their own accord and I would be enveloped by a state of utter bliss. Rather than a person taking intentional action, it was like a greater force would propel me, such as to bring me to these woods.

I was open eyed, gazing at the trees. There was no sense of an observer (me) and the observed (the trees) - all merged into One. Only the experience of creation itself Being. There arose a sense of everything being interconnected with everything, like each part of a singular organ which functions as one or a spider's web where every string has a connection to other strings. All of creation is complete, perfect and ever-flowing. The experience of a separate self (even a Divine self) was completely gone.

People can be curious about what it means for the mind to go silent. Thoughts cease but there is still an experience happening. You are still acutely perceptive and able to notice what is happening - but you are taking it in, in raw-form. You are noticing the yellowness of the flower without having to think 'oh, look, a yellow flower'. You notice the man is frowning without having to narrate inside 'look at that grumpy man!'. The consciousness inside you can take that sensory experience and respond to it without the mind slowing you down or distorting the information with ego.

Sometimes I have an epiphany that is wordless - and yet can usually be translated into words. Sometimes a realisation will also come in the form of visual image or an inner sensation. Language is sometimes a part of my inner experience but the words heard inwardly are not like the thoughts of the ego - rather than the ‘monkey mind’ that creates unhelpful chatter, I sometimes hear epiphanies and revelations as words or sentences that drop into my consciousness like a leaf falling into your lap. During the summer of 2022 it was like an avalanche of these revelations landed in my lap. Some of the revelations were universal in nature, about the nature of reality itself: these revelations were accompanied by euphoric feelings of wonder and awe. Other revelations were personal in nature - such as about my personal circumstances and the people around me. Some of these revelations came with immediate or later observable confirmation. It could be a 'fun' gift, such as being able to predict traffic!

Eckhart Tolle said of his enlightenment: 'I realised that what everybody was looking for had already happened to me'.

Being so young, I have noticed that many people, even those who considered themselves ‘spiritual’ seemed to carry the unconscious perception that what happened to me could not happen to someone so young. They would put a ceiling on how conscious I was ‘allowed’ to be by the way they spoke to me before I even had an opportunity to share my experience honestly. But as was revealed to me through inner realisation, reincarnation is the nature of reality - so who knows how ‘old’ each of us are in soul years?!

Using the word 'I' is quite funny. When people use the word I they are often referring to the ego. When I refer to myself as I, now, it means something different. There is the egoic I that most people have some identification with, but 'I' can also just be a more practical way of saying 'the eternal consciousness that currently exists within this body' (which would be quite a mouthful to say!) 'The eternal consciousness that currently exists within this body is hungry'...'The eternal consciousness that currently exists within this body would like to order the soup please…' I don't recommend you try it in real life!

As for the personality, I still have particular tastes - music, films, colours etc that I am particularly drawn to. There are topics that particularly draw my interest and also things that I don't feel drawn to. What has changed is a sense of it being all temporary. I know I was once in another body that had different tastes and that one day I will leave this body and have a different experience than the one I am having now.

And not having the same experience is totally fine. Revelations about what happens to the soul after a person has reached enlightenment and then reaches physical death have revealed a vast high frequency plane of indescribable beauty. Knowing this is the destination the soul goes next, what could there be to fear in death? The only true death is the death of the ego - and after that you truly come alive.

Brighton - May 2022

At a lake - June 2022

October 2022

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